Those who fall for a narcissist’s charm tend to become dazzled by what lies on the outside. An overt narcissist usually appears to be high-energy, passionate, infinitely fascinating and confident. They tend to be well-dressed, have impeccable posture and body language, and always know the right things to say.

Covert narcissists, on the other hand, exude mystery and wonder. They say only what needs to be said, and exhibit a quiet curiosity in you. They may be calm, intelligent and have certain unusual quirks to their lifestyle and past which draw your interest.

Overt narcissists are brilliant at keeping you distracted in the peacock formations of their outer false self. Covert narcissists have a harder time maintaining such a frame, and along with their air of mystery, they draw your curiosity within, raising the question: Who are you really?

Crossing The Threshold Of The False Self

Narcissism, above all, is a compensation for what is lacking.

The building blocks for a fully-formed True Self are warmth, nurture, safety, encouragement and acceptance. It is in this acceptance that a person demonstrates their love for you, having seen you at your most authentic, yet loving you nonetheless. This loving witness is what the narcissist lacked in their childhood, and it left them with a howling sense of terror, shame and self-disgust.

The True Self requires a witness. Not any witness, but rather a higher, all-knowing, all-divine witness. In adulthood, we can offer this to ourselves. An enlightened person becomes aware of their God-Self, a consciousness not only able to see and observe the True Self, but also accept and encourage it. In childhood, we do not possess this ability — it is the role of the parent.

A narcissist is forged in the absence of this accepting and loving presence.Even if the parent constantly engages the narcissist child, they never truly see them. The parent is instead caught up in their own dissociated, traumatised false self, which creates a photoshopped snapshot of their child. Everything occurs inside the parent, including the child’s life. Rather than interacting with their child as they are, the parent interacts with their child as they ‘should’ be.

Submissive or dominant, quiet or loud, small or big, worthless or confident; it doesn’t matter where on the spectrum the parent places the child, the crucial factor is that they are projecting a person onto their child who does not exist. When a tyrannical parent casts their child as a submissive, quiet, small, worthless person, a covert narcissist is born. When a narcissistic parent pedestalizes their child and encourages them to be dominant, loud, big and confident, an overt narcissist is born. Yet in both cases, the authentic True Self gets zero attention or love.

What often goes undiscussed is the effect this has on a child. The reason a narcissist creates a false self is to make up for the lack of growth within their True Self. Because their True Self was treated as insignificant, the narcissist child creates a wonderful alternative in their false self which is most significant and most special.

Delving Into The Core Of The Narcissist

So if we could get a telescope and see through a narcissist’s false self deep into their True Self, what would we find?

Perhaps the following may be present:

• Immense Rage: Due to being abused, neglected and/or objectified without the ability to protest, the narcissist carries an entire childhood’s worth of repressed anger, buried deep beneath the surface. You often see it erupt suddenly at random moments when the narcissist is triggered or their grandiose false self is challenged.
• Toxic Shame: A narcissist’s True Self was viciously and absolutely rejected, which creates an ocean of shame. Furthermore, having a role projected onto them 24/7, the narcissist was never able to measure up. Remember that the role is based on the parent’s whims, and not in reality. This toxic dump of shame is so painful, it can never be acknowledged. Yet it is there, like oil under the Arabian desert.
• Barrenness: A narcissist’s True Self is like a sponge which absorbs nothing. Like a barren desert, the narcissist can only integrate a very shallow depth of experience. Think of a desert which experiences some drizzling rain that quickly dries up. This is why the narcissist is unable to truly grow; they integrate very little into their soul. While their sharp mind may quickly absorb the facts, their True Self remains unaltered. This is also why narcissists have cognitive empathy and not true empathy.

And finally, the following may be missing from the narcissist’s core:

• Love, Joy and Positive Emotions: Having never been truly relaxed and embodied within themselves, the narcissist rarely experienced joy and abundance in being. As a result, narcissists often have flat affect and simply lack the capacity to be content or happy. They rarely belly laugh, or soften, or weep. This flows from the barren nature of their True Self, which was never watered with nurture, love and acknowledgement in childhood.

Above all, the narcissist’s core is defined by lack. A narcissist is like a pot plant which was left months unwatered. With a pot plant, no matter how much you water it after the fact, it will never grow back to what it was. Some branches of a dead pot plant, when watered consistently, may regrow in minor sections, yet the rest will remain brown and barren.

It is the same with a narcissist. With awareness, bodywork, therapy and other forms of healing, including psychedelic drugs, parts of a narcissist’s True Self can be reawakened and reinvigorated to bring out new life. Just don’t expect the whole organism to suddenly flourish again and become fully human. That’s for the next generation.